I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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