Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
