This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
