If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
