some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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