I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
