Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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