I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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