halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
