If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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