Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
