her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
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I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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