did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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