soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
