Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
