Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize