I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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