You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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