So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
