A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
