On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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