Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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