Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
