Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
