I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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