I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
