Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
