I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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