Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
