then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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