i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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