You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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