She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
