I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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