I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
