I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
