this beer tastes like vomit already
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
