I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
