did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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