I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
