Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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