I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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