I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
