Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
