It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
