Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
