Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
