I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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