It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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