OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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