I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
