apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My breasts were aching with rage.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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