My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
