i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
