Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
