why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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