I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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