its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
